If God brings you to it...

The other night I jumped into bed at 5 am, nothing completely out of the ordinary for me. Although usually my head hits the pillow and I'm asleep before I can even get to the first Our Father on the Rosary...yeah, that quick! However that night all I could think about was the paper I hadn't finished, the meetings I forgot to schedule, the t-shirts I needed to order, the letters and emails I never wrote...blah blah blah. Next thing I knew I was completely overwhelmed and felt defeated. I felt the need to say a quick random prayer honestly so I could just hurry up and fall asleep. This is how it went:

Dear God,
Why can't you make SOMETHING in my life work out!? I'm busting my butt here, why can't...

Then I stopped.

I just sat dumbfounded. What was I saying? Why was I so angry? Why was I so angry at my God nonetheless!? He's the last person who wants to see us suffer, because He loves us so much. And yet here I was, taking it all out on Him. I know he can take it, but He certianly doesn't deserve it.

Yes, I had just sacrificed my entire weekend, literally canceled everything to work on a paper in which (at that point in time) I was very unsure if I would be able to finish in time. And we all know that if you can't write a paper then you are automatically a failure at life ...because that's logical.

But, I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been in this same position.

It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out, 

it's the grain of sand in your shoe.

As humans, it is so easy to look at a huge task and assume we can't do it. We assume are are not adequate enough for the job and lose all hope and desire to even begin the task, nevertheless complete it. But why do big tasks turn impossible? Perhaps it's all based on the way we view the situation- it's the grain of sand in your shoe. For me, the problem wasn't the paper, but rather my attitude toward the paper (or the grain in my shoe) that was hindering me.

Don't pray for a lighter load, pray for a stronger back. -Unknown-

The secret is that I'm still struggling. I still get frustrated when I work so hard and nothing happens or when things become too much and I just want to give up. Long story short, I had to pull an all-nighter Monday so I could turn in my paper Tuesday. At about 5am when the deliria was setting in (and I only had 4 hours till class) I realized I was fighting God the entire time. I did not feel I could finish it and I felt worthless-I couldn't accept love. The whole time God was trying to embrace me and show His love for me but I was the kid kicking and screaming, trying to get loose so I could finish the paper on my own.

If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it.